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Tomorrow I’ll be new

I’m sitting here looking at this blank canvass – so many possibilities in which to use it.

Today wasn’t a good day for me. I am struggling with so much that I don’t share and then when it comes to a head like it did for me today, I hide. I laid my daughter down for her nap and then locked myself away in my room. I reduced myself in to the fetal position, hugging pillows that were capturing my tears. Days like today I feel so much less than I know I am – all because of vanity really.

I headed out of the house with my loving husband and daughter, determination and goals set. I needed a professional bra fitting, purchase a proper bra, look for a new dress/outfit – something nice, that fits, to wear to a wedding next weekend and I needed to exchange an outfit that was too small for Rene.

Well I made it no further than the bra fitting before that feeling of despair set in. Twelve bras later and I left after purchasing 4 pairs of socks (on clearance .80 ea), 1 pair of trouser socks (also on clearance) and 5 t-shirts for Rob & the boys. Take note that there was no bra in that list. Let me tell you that I don’t and I mean DO NOT like to shop for clothes. Never have and beginning to think I never will. I don’t think about the “big sales” going on for the holidays (this one was for Labor Day in the US) I just know that I am in need of an item so I go to get it when I have time. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Tanger outlets since they’ve opened and that included today. The rain and mass amounts of people everywhere made things even more miserable.  After my defeat in the Hanes store, I decided it would be best to just go and return Rene’s outfit and go home!

I knew I would melt down today. I set myself up for it. I held on to a glimmer of hope that it wouldn’t be quite so traumatic. Yeah, I was wrong. I found myself refusing to speak, out of fear my tears would start and never stop.

Almost 3 hours after putting myself into lockdown I had to go downstairs. I didn’t want to face my family feeling so much pity and so sorry for myself but I did. I lashed out a couple times, just wanting to get the hurt out. I even lashed out, in my head, about some posts by friends on Facebook. I confessed to Rob that I didn’t want to be around any of them, with tears in my eyes. I’m so fortunate that he loves me and although he might not totally understand, he accepts me. So I put on my mom hat and got dinner on the table.

Once more I find myself alone in my room. I still feel depressed – it’s a never ending, daily battle. I’m sharing (which most of you who will read this, know is something I’m not good at doing) my struggle and believing God will give me a victory. Knowing He makes me new EVERY day.  Trusting that all my struggles, trials and triumphs will be used for His glory.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” ~Lamentations 3:19-34