I’m finding that writing this week’s entry is more difficult than I would like it to be, so procrastination ensues. I’m in an extremely vulnerable state and I’m pretty sure that I’m not handling it well. The good news is that I don’t have to handle it! I took the pain and fear inside me for most of the day, I then shared it with a select few and now I am releasing it to God. It’s a hard thing to accomplish when you’re talking about dealing with, truly, the biggest fear you have.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
I know in the deepest part of my heart and soul that God has great plans for me and my family. There is no doubt and no pride in this statement. He has proven it to be true, time and time again. I’ve heard Him speak parts of the plan and as you know, I’ve been stepping out and living it. All this said, I am clinging to my faith right now.
I have had several medical issues since the birth of my daughter, all of which I have been just dealing with since I don’t have health insurance. Last month I received a letter advising me it was time for a mammogram. I had my first one done at age 28 because of the serious genetic risk on my mother’s side of the family. I was cleared and told that having a healthy base line to work from would make detecting even a slight change easier. With the cost being so great for the test and Rob still off work, I dismissed the letter. September rolled around and I received another letter stating the same information. So again I shrugged, knowing that it wasn’t possible to have it done in the timeframe they were advising (October 12th).
Almost two weeks ago, I had a minor meltdown due to pain from one of the issues I’m experiencing and confided in a close friend. I explained to her in detail (which I will not do here because for most of you it will be TMI) what’s been happening and just crying because I didn’t think I could go on much longer enduring it all. I even told her about the mammogram and gave her an extremely brief history of how breast cancer runs in my family, which lead me to share with her my deepest fear: discovering I have it and dying from it leaving my daughter motherless at an early age. Yes I’m concerned about the rest of my family but I was a daughter who lost her mother too young (even though I was an adult I was only 24 and she was 45). Breast cancer has either been the “gateway” to other cancers taking the lives of the women of my family or the reason I’ve lost 3 aunts – one of which was 34, my mother and my grandmother. These are just the ones I know of since my mother wasn’t close to her family. My friend asked me if I was really ready to believe that God could heal me that minute if I just asked – of course, I was. So we prayed and I cried and she prayed more. Let me tell you that God is so good – the intense pain I was crippled with faded right then. The next morning Rob was going through the mail and we had received a letter from the welfare office (we had applied for food stamps since we have no income and I have yet to find employment). This letter explained that we were not only eligible for food stamps but for emergency stamps that were backdated – PTL! Reading further down, the letter also informed us that we both would receive health insurance, which they dated for the week before the letter was sent.
GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS! even before they are prayed.
I was so overwhelmed – I’m still overwhelmed. I called my friend and told her the news and she was as filled with joy as I was. My mind is still trying to wrap around the full power of this miracle.
After having to do the enrollment online and wait a day for it to update, I called to make the appointments I needed. Again I was just floored by the miracles, I was able to get scheduled for this week at my doctors AND October 12th was available for the mammogram.
I Peter 5:6-11 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.”
I was fully aware that I would need to have some lab work done. I was mentally prepared that we would have to begin treating my PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) again. I was not prepared for a large mass to be found in my left breast. I think I spent most of my morning in shock/disbelief. After hiding it inside for most of the day, all I wanted to do was call my mom and cry. Yeah, a slight problem there. So I called Rob’s mom and shared it with her first. She gave me words of encouragement and prayed with me. I knew, after ending that call, that I needed to tell my husband. He just put Rene down for her nap and came in the room to lay with me when I told him the appointment hadn’t gone well. I told him about the mass.
I love my husband and I know he will always be in my corner fighting. What I had let slip from my mind, the fact that I have an even bigger champion in my corner. Nothing can ever be bigger or stronger than our God. It is God who has carried me through every storm I’ve faced and I know that it will be Him who not only lifts me through this storm but uses it for good.
I leave you with this thought: We can’t honestly appreciate being on the mountain top if we’ve never made our way through the valleys and obstacles to get there.
and an inspiring video from Third Day